Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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