She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
