they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
