dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
