she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
