i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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