walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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