Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
