i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
