Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
