He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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