I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
