I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
