I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
