Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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