dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
