My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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