I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
