I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
