Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
