i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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