I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
