Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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