I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
