Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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