My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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