she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
