Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
