I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
