you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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