he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
