You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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