i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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