Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
