My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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