Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
