apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
