K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
