i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
