someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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