U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
