I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
