After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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