I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
