Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
