Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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