yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
