If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
