did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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