pop tarts are not kleenex
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
