so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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