i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
