omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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