4 words: hood of his car
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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