i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
