i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
